When Reality Hits...It's a Bitch!

Sorry you guys...it has been a really busy week. I worked OT last weekend and I haven't had a day off to decompress. So it's been busy as well as emotional.

I had my first oncology appointment on Thursday. Weekly chemotherapy treatments for the first 12 weeks with an immunotherapy treatment every 4th week. After the 12 weeks, I will go for bi-weekly treatments for 8 weeks until it's time for surgery which should be about 4-6 weeks after chemo has finished. The immunotherapy treatments will last for an entire year even after surgery.

I had to sit down and realize I'm sick. The drugs. The side effects. The steps forward. The constant calls looking for check-ins or payments for services rendered. It's all a reality and I'm scared. I broke down crying because all of sudden everything...it was too much. The entirety of it...too much. This is my life going forward. Walking around so tired of being pumped with poison and a drug to save the exact same immune system that literally betrayed me. Your immune system is built to catch foreign objects and attack them. Well mine just let this heaux come on in and set up shop in my breast. My immune system is its accomplice. It deserves time for that shit as well. ALL of IT...I couldn't take it anymore. I had to allow myself to feel the gravity of the situation.

I know God has me but please allow me to be human for a moment. In the face of the enemy, I will fight but I am telling you when you have been as strong as long as I have for even longer than that the emotions catch up. I'm trying to keep my brave face for my sister, my nephew. Hell even for me. I don't want them to worry. Unfortunately, I don't get to dictate people's emotions or feelings. I barely can contain mine at the moment. I'm not saying I won't fight. I'm saying that sometimes the strength to fight leaves. It disappears. Out of my hands. I'm barely holding on by a thread. Yesterday, that thread snapped and I fell into a ravine of emotions that I usually don't allow myself to feel.

That's what happened to me and for the only time in this entire situation, I was willing to lose.