And It Begins...Again

You know there has been so much going on in my life that when I took a break, I needed to take a breather. A plethora of things. My sister came back. My nephew came to visit. One of my high school buddies came as well. Too many damn people. I'm already introverted as it is. Stories that will be addressed as I get to them.

I finally finished my 12-week chemotherapy treatments. It got rough the last 4 weeks there. Nauseated. Fatigued. It was a rough period. I thought I was gonna throw in the towel. Let my high school friend tell it, he had to hug me before I died. How in the hell do you call yourself a friend if that's what you think about them? Again...stories for later. Anyway, I managed to finish it. The neuropathy has gotten worse. I have bruising under my nails. Sensitive feeling in my fingers which sometimes makes my hands less functional than normal. I'll be dropping stuff or can't open my cans. It gets to be very frustrating. The neuropathy also affects my feet. I usually only feel it when my soles encounter a texture or a pattern of some sort that I am walking on.

Now, I'm starting the 2nd half of my treatment. Drugs called Adriamycin and Cytoxan. These are harsher drugs that can affect my heart function down the road as well as maybe cause another cancer 7-10 years down the road. My pharmacist says it's rare but still likely. People wonder why preventative measures are taken for cancer patients. That above right there. Bi-lateral mastectomy is my way of preventing cancer coming back. It's always a possibility. I'd much rather lower the odds than sit up here trying to look a certain way. If it sounds like I'm bitter. I am. I'm tired of MEN trying to give their unwanted opinions about another person's condition like their opinion matters. I'm also tired of people making assumptions about situations they know nothing about. I expect this to hit a lot of dogs.

Let's get to the heart of the matter. Don't assume since you came here to help that you are entitled to being taken care of. As a cancer patient, I have medical bills on top of my normal everyday bills. You didn't come here invited. You came because you were sent. Doesn't mean just because you don't have an income, that I need to take care of you. You come here...you have to wash clothes everyday. I have to pay for your food. I have to pay for your groceries. So when you said that you were going to call your man to help or go visit, you assume I can't handle my other company coming in my house so you stay. How about you find a way to help with your bills you make and stop mooching off me just because you are helping. You're not helping. You're adding to the stress. And stop trying to make my friends your friend too. You don't see me making your friends my friend. I don't need to do all of that. You are someone who takes up space in my life because you are blood. I am not your friend. I never will be because I don't like you as a person. You are my sister. There isn't a scorecard to be marked off. You ma'am are appreciated but I shouldn't have to show you that appreciation by being your caregiver.

Now with that being said...let's hit another matter. People drift apart. People who haven't seen each other in years tend to and that's normal. It's called Necessary Endings. Sometimes, there is a reason people aren't in your life anymore. I've learned that no matter how much fun you had together when you were younger and when you come back together doesn't change the fact you as friends have drifted apart. I have my elementary school friend and even though we don't talk every day, she and I have always walked the same path and we're still close to this day. Same with my girl from high school. We don't talk everyday but when we do, we are on the same page, and we are still the best of friends. I know I went to college. I know I went away. That doesn't give you the right to diminish my school because I didn't graduate from there. It is still my school. Even my friend from college agrees I still took classes, and I still attended the university, so I have every right to pledge my allegiance if I choose to do so. Regardless of the history of social climate the school is associated with. People eat at Asian restaurants all the time. People still frequent the corner stores when they used to follow us around the store all the damn time. The university I transferred to have its moments of racism yet, I still got my paper from a PWI and when there are stupid, prideful people there will be racism and discrimination. I also don't appreciate the fact that you say you've known me for years and know who I am as a person to go behind my back and tell someone else what you feel I need to do with my body. You know this yet you still felt your opinion mattered. I have what can be considered a deadly disease. I am doing what is best for me. If I can't go out and be in the sun, then I can't be in the damn sun. If I can't deal with heat even though it wasn't as hot and humid as it normally is, I cannot do it. I could care less about appearances. My question is do you think you're going to see my breasts if I do reconstructive surgery? Why should it matter? Oh I forgot, you think I am going to die anyway because you needed to hug me before I died. Again, I ask what kind of friend is that. You didn't tell me but it was relayed back to me. So I'm going to say I will always have love for you but this is my formal goodbye. I think we should change our friendship from friends to acquaintances because I cannot have the negativity you displayed to others in my life. I was reading a saying on LinkedIn that said, "Surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you aren't in."

Now that I have gotten all my issues off my chest, I want to say to the people who have supported me a huge heartfelt thank you!!! I know you support me from afar and it is truly appreciated. I wish I could be more verbose during my bad days. I also need to take my laptop out of my bag I carry to treatments too, so I can write when I am not in treatment. Sometimes, I get to be so tired that I'm lucky to even get the bag back in the house. I'm fighting though. I don't want my BFF to ever see me sick. Her mom died from cancer and I need her to not lose another person close to her the same way. I'm fighting to be nosey folks. Y'all remember that. I'm fighting to be nosey. I hope this blog wasn't full of rambling but I needed to get it off my chest.